Sticks and Stones: How NLP Builds Resilience

‘Sticks and stone will break my bones, but names will never hurt me’.  We all remember mum and dad teaching us that one. And in fact, it’s been around since our great-great-great’s time… Kids since 1862 have been told to tough it out when the names start flying!

But actually, when you think about it, how far from the truth is that age-old saying? In modern Western society, we definitely get worked up about words.  And many of us might choose the sticks and stones over the name-calling…  We seem to be triggered, see red, or take offence at the slightest of insults. Why do we let others ‘push our buttons’ so easily now?

What happened to our resilience?

In a society where each individual is encouraged to be themselves and to follow their own path, where everyone can live the life they feel they truly deserve, of course, it opens us up to uncomfortable confrontation sometimes.  Combine that with the fact that we live in a society where people share, discuss and actually feel their feelings and you’ve got a perfect storm for emotional distress when hurtful things are said.

Resilience used to come from pushing our emotions under the carpet, from pretending we didn’t feel, and from keeping our inner selves hidden from the prying eyes of those who might want to hurt us.

Because, unfortunately, there are some awful people out there who actively aim to offend.

How is society tackling these triggers?

As we change, our responses to nastiness also have to change. The current defence society has adopted ranges from raising awareness, and calling out these inappropriate behaviours, to new legislation trying to combat what we deem as anti-social.  And in some ways all of this is working – but we’re still taking casualties in the fight. Every time someone hurts you, your confidence takes a huge knock, your anxiety goes up and your wellbeing is threatened.

How can I deal with triggering or offensive behaviour?

We know that we have to stand up to oppressive behaviour.  Whether it’s racism, sexism or any other kind of act which seeks to demean others, we need to take action against it.

But taking action against something doesn’t mean we have to be triggered or offended by it if we don’t want to be.

One thing we cannot and will not ever be able to control is what other people say. What we can control is what we do about it. And what we think and feel about it.

How does my unconscious mind deal with toxic behaviours?

The interesting thing about our unconscious mind is that it takes everything personally. A classic example is when we get angry behind the wheel. Someone cuts you up on a roundabout and you think they’ve done it just to tick you off. The rage bubbles up. You know they were basically gunning for you that whole time.

But in fact it has nothing to do with you personally – it’s just a generic display of someone else’s poor driving.

So, a good place to start when presented with a situation which triggers you (whether that’s on the roads, in the office or at home) is to start with this one question:

• Why is this triggering me?

If you can answer that, you’re halfway to releasing that trigger. Because you’re already applying your conscious thoughts instead of just your unconscious emotions. You’re already stopping to look at how you feel and examining why.

Next, ask yourself this –

• Is there something I believe about myself that either I haven’t realised or haven’t dealt with yet which is presenting itself to me now for resolution?

9 times out of 10 by asking these questions you will realise that you don’t need to be triggered. You don’t need to take this personally.

In fact, you might just realise this:

I am ok – there is clearly something going on with the other person in this situation.

Their problem doesn’t have to be my problem.

So, I do not need to feel bad having this said to me.

Now of course, this doesn’t mean we need to be happy about being spoken to in an offensive way, or that we should accept it. What it means is that we don’t have to feel hurt by someone’s words.

Those words are not a reflection of us, but a reflection of them.

How can NLP help me to lose my triggers for good?

NLP can be a fantastic tool for learning about yourself. By taking a deep dive into your language and internal processes it can reveal things which you believe about yourself which you never knew about.

Every thought you have, every emotion you experience is based on the beliefs you hold about yourself.

Understanding these beliefs is the key to becoming a more resilient and well-rounded person, meaning that we get to be the ones to choose how we feel and when we feel it. Those are your feelings and it’s up to you what’s going to get them going. So with a little bit of NLP, you can feel confident when sticks, stones or words start flying!